So, you are standing near the opposition goalmouth watching your own side and most of the other side pelt towards you in a general melee around the ball as the goalie and his bezzie mate, the second-to-last opponent, continue to immerse themselves in a mahoosive row, possibly about the green shoots of the tender understanding even now springing up between you and the goalie. You have been trying to direct their attention with polite coughs to the football train even now bearing down upon them, but they are too busy referring to each other as, variously, treacherous oppo-loving disloyal little git, ocd pathological control-freak, stupid entitled knob-head and passive-aggressive loser to notice. What, indeed, to do?

Now, at this point, you are not technically Offside since the goalie is standing on the goal-line and the stlo is standing in front of him, occasionally shoving him to emphasise a particularly pithy point about his parents’ marital status or his masturbatory habits. You, are, however, faux-offside, that is, offside whilst being onside, since you were earlier offside-lite, that is, offside without being offside. All totally clear? Keep up at the back, please.

Given your faux-offside status, you should not at this point play the ball or, indeed, interfere with play in any way. You might, indeed, be well advised to leave the field of play and go and read a book or go to Tesco or something. However, you feel guilty about the fact that you seem to have got your new best friend into trouble and you would like to help him (despite the fact that the shouts of “Psychopathic sublimating Oedipal denial-monkey” indicate that he is more than holding his own). So at this point you make the decision to interrupt. You shout “Oy! Mate!” as loudly as you can and point down the pitch to where eighteen assorted players of both flavours are rapidly converging on the penalty area. What have you done?

Find out tomorrow, when there will be more! That was The Footballing Fact Of The Day, part 7. I thank you.