Right, and we’re back with the Offside Rule! You’ve had a whole two days off, so I shall be expecting full attention and intelligent questions. Ready? Here we go!

OK, you will remember, if you were paying proper attention, that at the moment we left, our sample footballer, known for the purpose of this series of posts as “you”, was in an “offside lite” position, that is, offside but without really being offside. “You” were leaning up against one of the opposition goal posts, having a nice chat with the opposition goalie, while his (or her) bezzie mate, aka the second-to-last-opponent, headed back up the field to see what was going on at your end.

Things are going well at this point. You and the goalie are getting on really well; he (or she; look, I’m just going to start saying he, OK, and you keep in mind that women play football too – possibly “you” are a even woman yourself) has told you all about his possible bit part in the Gillette advert, and you have told him all about your forthcoming campaign fronting tube adverts for a well-known health supplement. He is just wondering aloud whether he should ask his agent to look into health supplements himself and you have made what you consider to be a rather cute suggestion, that you should front the adverts in tandem above the strap line “We may be opponents but we both agree that Well Person is what you need for great performance on and off the pitch!”, when the idyll is shattered by his bezzie mate reappearing and reporting that “There’s nothing much doing down there but I need a word.”

At this point you look away politely and pretend to be very interested in what is going on at the other end, where there appears to be a lot of running and shouting and the odd whistle. Off to your left you hear the goalie say “Go on, then” and his mate hiss “In private!” They then withdraw to the other side of the goal mouth and enter into a silent but heated debate, involving a certain amount of finger pointing and head shaking. You continue to monitor events in the game itself, which has progressed further up the pitch and involves rather more running than it did. Eventually things move closer and you realise that your hopes of continuing your pleasant conversation with your new best friend are about to be thwarted, as are so many budding romances, by football.

You glance over towards the goalie and the stlo, where the conversation has progressed to arm waving and histrionic shrugging. Neither of them have noticed the phalanx of footballers now bearing down on them. You cough nervously. They seem to be at the finger jabbing stage. You cough louder. Unfortunately this happens just as the stlo shoves the goalie, who claps his hands over his mouth and says audibly “I can’t believe you did that!” And meanwhile your own forwards are getting closer, ever closer. What, oh what, to do?

We shall find out tomorrow! That was The Footballing Fact Of The Day, part 6. I thank you.