So, my list of things that I would not say to friends who live outside London, partly because they are (mostly) untrue, but also because it would be rude.
1) We’re out of milk. Shall I just pop out and get some? HOW far?!? Really??
2) Morning! Shall I nip out and get a paper? HOW far?!? Really???
(Cue montage of me getting into car and driving some miles to remote country store, possibly getting stuck behind a tractor en route).
“Good morning! A copy of the Guardian please? No Guardian? What, are you all UKIP round here? (laughs)……..Oh.” (Laughs nervously, looks over shoulder, sidles out of store.)
3) So what shall we do tonight? Do you fancy the theatre? No theatre? Oh.
(3a – alternative to above scene) So what shall we do tonight? What’s on at the theatre? Oh, no, not that play. What’s on at the other theatres? No other theatres? Oh.
4) Never mind, let’s go to a concert. No concerts. Oh.
5) Well, that’s OK. We’ll go see a movie. What’s on? HOW far?!?!? REALLY?!? Blimey. Well, I guess the question is, how much do we want to watch “How to train your dragon 2”? (Actually I do quite want to watch it, but that’s beside the point.)
More tomorrow. But now! The Footballing Fact Of The Day!
In, response to which, I have to say, I got nothing. Apparently nothing much of note happened in World Cup Land yesterday, or at least, nothing worth reporting on. The only thing on the radio this morning was on the same topic as yesterday. It was all Suarez, Suarez, bite, bite, ban, ban, Liverpool, Liverpool, boring, boring. And that was all. You had to watch Wimbledon if you wanted some actual sport, apparently.
So there you have it. The Footballing Unfact Of The Day. I thank you.